Back when was a lusty three years old, Kellogg’s introduced a toaster pastry called Pop-Tarts. My mom, like many moms at the time, figured these qualified as a quick and easy breakfast for the kids. So I ate a lot of them. There were four flavors originally: Strawberry (my favorite), blueberry, brown sugar cinnamon, and apple. They were originally unfrosted, but in 1967 Kellogg’s made the major improvement of frosting the damn things. Breakfast was never the same.
Over the years, Kellogg’s has introduced various new flavors of Pop-Tarts, including s’mores and chocolate chip. Recently I saw a pretzel flavor, and while I haven’t tried it yet, I’m certain it, like most new flavors, would be delicious on the first bite and revolting by the third.
Speaking of questionable flavors, today I discovered that Kellogg’s is now marketing a “Pumpkin Pie” flavored Pop-Tarts flavor. I think it’s fair to classify this as a Halloween-inspired flavor. So, let’s do our thing!
- Packaging. Meh. Other than an orange background and a levitating slice of pumpkin pie, I don’t get much of a Halloween vibe from this package. Interestingly, my wife, tired of hearing me complain about how hard it is to find Halloween treats this year, picked this up for me under the assumption it qualified. Simultaneously, on my own outing to a different store, I made the same decision and bought the same produce. So now we have 24 pumpkin pie flavored Pop-Tarts. Therefore, I feel obligated to give this some points for luring us both into purchasing it. I’ll be generous and say 2 points.
- Appearance of the Treat. C’mon. It’s just a pop tart. The only nod to Halloween/pumpkins are a few nutmeg-colored sprinkles on the frosting. No orange frosting, no Halloween shapes, no black border, no clever Pi symbol. I’ll give it one point. And that’s being generous.
3. Taste. Somewhere along the way, between my toddling youth and my current, doddering old age, Pop-Tarts seem to have gotten thinner. My memory is that they used to have a thick layer of tasty filling that would cauterize your soft palate if you ate it too soon after it came from the toaster. Now, it’s just a thin film of chemical-y goo. To be fair, the first bite did have a hint of pumpkin flavor, and maybe a little cinnamon. But my taste receptors conked out by the second bite, and I tasted only high fructose corn syrup. This really doesn’t qualify as a treat. It’s just a Pop-Tart. (And wouldn’t that make a great slogan on a T-shirt?) 1 point.
4. Value. I paid $3 for this box of 12 Pop-Tarts, which works out to 25 cents per Tart. That’s a decent value, if you actually want to eat the thing. I’ll give it 2 points.
Steve’s Sweetoberfest Score: 6 out of 12 points, which — say it with me now — makes it a TREAK!
Chasing Phantoms 