I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong. And boy, was I wrong the other day when I called Roger Corman’s Frankenstein Unbound “quite possibly … the absolute worst Frankenstein movie ever.” I apologize profusely to Mr. Corman. His movie is friggin’ Citizen Kane compared to what I watched today. It’s now clear to me that the title of “worst Frankenstein movie ever” goes to The Frankenstein Theory.
The Frankenstein Theory is one of those “found footage” movies that were all the rage for about 15 minutes after The Blair Witch Project won an award at Cannes in 1999. But this is no Blair Witch Project. I say this because The Blair Witch Project had a discernible plot.
So let’s get on with the review, so we can afterwards wash our hands of this execrable dog of a movie.
The “Plot”: In the current day (well, 2013) an expelled university student holds a theory that his great, great, great (etc) grandfather, Johann Venkenheim, was the real-life scientist on whom Mary Shelley based her book. What’s more, he believes the creature that his ancestor created is still alive, living in the Canadian north. So he assembles a small documentary film crew, and they set out to find the creature. But each member of the group is killed, until no one else is left. The end.
Seriously, that’s the whole story. Sure, a few other things happen, like the protagonist (Jonathan) has a fight with his girlfriend. And the cameraman has the hots for the documentary’s pretty director. But these have exactly zero to do with the plot, and are a waste of time.
The Monster: We never really get a good look at the monster. (The clear, well-focused image on the advertisement at the top of this blog never made it into the movie.) The clearest image we have in the movie is an eyewitness drawing that makes the creature look like the Unibomber.
We don’t even get a glimpse of the creature until the last 9 minutes or so of the film. And even then, the image is either a dark silhouette or a brief, out-of-focus shot. The creature has no speaking lines, but we do hear some off-screen grunting and howling that sound more like an animal than a humanoid monster. And it goes without saying that we learn nothing of the creature’s motivations, feelings, or history.
The creature is played by Roger Morrissey, whose main claim to fame is standing 7’4″. This has earned him such notable movie roles as a stuntman on House of 1000 Corpses.
The Atmosphere: This is your standard “found footage” movie, so it’s all shaky camera work, green-tinted night footage, and poor editing. (If that’s not enough to entice you, consider the fact that there’s no real plot!)
Most of the action (and I use that word loosely) takes place in a snowy Canadian wasteland (though the filming actually took place in Alaska).
The dialogue is composed of about 1/3 small talk among the crew, 1/3 whimpers and screams by crewmembers as they are being picked off by (presumably) the monster, and 1/3 F-bombs.
General Comments: Seriously, why was this movie made? The premise (that the Frankenstein story was real and the creature still exists) could conceivably drive some interesting plots. It could be a thriller where we slowly discover the cover-up that disguised the Frankenstein story as fiction, or it could be a life drama that focuses on what the creature has been doing for the past 200 years, or it could be a mystery that follows a series of deaths in the Canadian north. Or it could take any number of other approaches. But instead, all that happens is people try to find the creature and they all get killed. The characters are never really developed, so we don’t care about them. So what’s the point?
I will be happy to Venmo a refund to anyone who paid YouTube to watch this movie based on my suggestion at the end of yesterday’s blog.
Tomorrow, for the penultimate film of this month-long series, we try a slightly more recent production: Victor Frankenstein (2015). It’s available on YouTube.
FRANKELLANEOUS: The answer to yesterday’s trivia question is: The Grateful Dead’s “Ramble On Rose.” The relevant stanza in the lyrics is:
Just like crazy Otto, just like wolfman jack,
Sittin’ plush with a royal flush, aces back to back.
Just like Mary Shelly [sic], just like Frankenstein,
Clank your chains and count your change and try to walk the line.
Chasing Phantoms 