Dutch Treat?

A new coffee place opened up near me a couple of months ago. It’s Dutch Brothers Coffee, which is a chain I’ve never visited in my life. They claim to have a special fall menu of “seasonal drinks,” so I figured I’d get me a big ol’ Caramel Pumpkin Brulee Breve, and park myself at a table to write this post.

Alas they only have drive-through service. I’ve never understood the advantage of drive-through food service. I mean, I suppose there’s some value if you live in Fargo and it’s 30 degrees below freezing and you just don’t want to get out of your warm car and slip on the ice. But here in California, it seems you’d want to get out of your metal cage and stretch your legs a bit. Instead, when you’re in the drive-through line, you’re held hostage by the little old couple in front of you who seem to be taken entirely by surprise when they’re asked what they’d like to order. “I was thinking I’d get some kind of coffee. What kinds of coffee do you have? What size is ‘tall?’ Is that the largest size? Wait, Martha is allergic to soy. Is there any soy in soy milk?” And don’t get me started on their unpreparedness when it’s time to pay. Meanwhile, your car is idling behind them, spewing exhaust and making climate change just a little bit worse.

If instead you were to walk inside and order at the counter, one of the baristas can negotiate with the little old couple while someone else takes your order. And if you’ve ordered something simple, chances are you’ll receive it immediately without being delayed by the person who ordered 20 different, customized specialty coffees for the office. Add in the ability to grab extra napkins, use the restroom, and maybe say hi to a neighbor, why wouldn’t you park your goddam car and ease your sciatica a bit?

Anyway, I placed my order and waited in line. The seasons changed, empires rose and fell, and then finally I pulled up to the service window, where I was handed a cup. This I took to a different coffee place–one that has indoor seating and wifi, and rhymes with “Car Ducks”–and got to work.

Conceptual Soundness. I actually like the concept of a “seasonal drink.” It allows you to lean into the unique aspects of the particular season. And by its very nature it provides an opportunity to try something different. The way I see it, a fall drink–particular one available in October–should make use of some combination of the following variables:

–Hot temperature (rather than iced, which is clearly for the summer)

–Festive cup (preferably in a fall color, decorated with autumn leaves or pumpkins or something along those lines)

–Sprinkles (employing the fall color palette) and/or whipped cream topping

–Fall spices (cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, etc.)

–Fall flavors (pumpkin, caramel, apple, etc.)

So, there’s lots of potential here. And here’s how Dutch Bros. describes their drink: “Pumpkin & salted caramel w/ Soft Top™, pumpkin drizzle & raw sugar sprinkles.” OK, that sounds pretty good. I’ll give the concept the full 4 points.

.Appearance of the Treat. I can’t say I was delighted to see the cup, which was your standard Dutch Bros white cup with the mysteriously-derived blue, red, and yellow stripes. (The Dutch flag is actually red white and blue, so their color scheme seems odd.) The Dutch Bros missed an obvious opportunity to leverage the cup design in the service of highlighting the fall season.

If I were feeling generous (which I’m not), I would give them props for the windmill design, which to me looks like place where Frankenstein’s monster dies in Bride of Frankenstein. But I’m probably the only person making that connection.

But setting aside the cup, maybe the drink itself is festive. I can’t wait to see the “Soft Top” (TM), whatever that is. Plus the pumpkin drizzle and the raw sugar sprinkles. This should be good. So I removed the lid and saw this:

It looks like the lukewarm instant decaf they serve on Southwest. There is nothing visually appealing about this drink. Zero points.

Taste: This drink is very milky and sweet, but that’s it. There’s no spice that I can detect, and no hint of pumpkin or caramel. Just sugar and milk. There’s nothing seasonal about this at all. It’s boring. It’s uninteresting. It’s zero points.

Value: My medium drink costs $6.95. That seems on the steep side for such an uninteresting drink. But I’ll give it 1 point for value, since milk is expensive these days.

Total Treat Score: 5 points. Needless to say, I’m unlikely to be returning to Dutch Bros any time soon.