Before the Cream Sits Out Too Long

If you immediately identified the title of today’s blog as a lyric from Devo’s “Whip it,” you, like me, are either currently or will soon be eligible for Social Security.

Isn’t it shocking how the music we once thought was cutting-edge and innovative is now being played as generic background music at Target?

Anyway, we’ve moved into the last few days of October, and the theme this week is just a grab-bag of various foodstuffs. And “Whip It” is indeed the theme today. Our son and daughter-in-law (who are both faithful readers of Chasing Phantoms) contributed to this project an unwanted can of something called “Whip Shots.” Observe:

This requires several important observations before we start our review:

1. Whip Shots is clearly trying to convey the idea of pumpkin-spice-flavored whipped cream. But it’s entirely non-dairy. Not only is it not necessary to refrigerate this “Whip Shot;” the container specifically directs you “do not refrigerate.” Which reminds me of the admonition: “do not taunt Happy Fun Ball”

2. Whip Shots is a vodka-infused whipped (fake) cream, that is manufactured by a company called Temperance Distilling. Now that’s a worthy name for an alcohol purveyor. They’re located in Temperance, MI (pop: 9,200), which may well be a future destination for Chasing Phantoms. And guess what? The force behind this product is supposedly Belcalis Marlenis Cephus, otherwise known as Cardi B. But I won’t let that influence my rating.

Well, I guess I can’t put this off any longer. Let’s give this a “shot.”

Conceptual Soundness: I dunno. This stuff was released a year or two ago. But “alcohol-infused whipped cream” has been around for almost 20 years, according to Wikipedia. So it’s not really a new idea. I guess the claims to fame here are (1) the association with Cardi B (which is meaningless); the pumpkin spice flavor (which practically defines the disparaging slang term “basic”), and the use of “ulta-premium” vodka (which is about as meaningful as “deluxe” or “heavy duty” on every cheap Chinese tool at Harbor Freight). I’ll give it one point, just because I’m a softy.

Appearance: OK, this looks really appealing. It has a good pumpkin color, and comes out of the can looking like Reddi Whip. It has a great texture and the extruded shape has decorative flourishes. You really couldn’t ask for more from your “vodka-infused whipped cream.” 4 points.

Taste: Here’s where I got a little stumped. How are you even supposed to eat this stuff? The can says this is a “delicious way to top off your cocktails and desserts.” But let’s start by just eating it alone, to see what we’re working with.

Well, that was disgusting. There’s a distinct taste of vodka, but I’m here to tell you that it’s definitely not “ultra-premium” vodka, whatever that even means. It just tastes like cheap spirits to me.

This concoction is heavily sweetened, in the same sense that hummingbird food is heavily sweetened. In either case, I wouldn’t want to eat it. The container explains it uses both “natural and artificial flavors,” which is tantamount to telling me a drink contains “both nonlethal and lethal ingredients.” I mean, what’s so great about having some of the non-horrible stuff when it also contains the horrible stuff? To me, this tastes chemical-y, like whatever that was that the Joker fell into.

Now, to be fair, Temperance Distilling or Cardi B or whoever writes the ad copy recommends using Whip Shots as a topping on a cocktail. So let’s try it on a vodka martini. I’ll even add some of that activated charcoal, to give it a Halloween vibe. Who knows? Maybe we’ll come up with a great new Halloween cocktail!

Never has there been such a disconnect between visual promise and gustatory reality. This is positively disgusting. We’ve learned that “Whip Shots” vodka-infused, non-dairy mystery topping is inedible. Plus, I’m starting to get a headache. Zero points.

Value: It seems the best price is available at Total Wine, where you can buy this 200 ml can for $10.99. That works out to $1.62 per ounce, which is a little more than a typical chocolate bar, but a little less than a scoop of ice cream. Strictly for visual appeal, it might be worth serving this stuff at a party where guests aren’t familiar with decent vodka. Like maybe a children’s Halloween party. I’ll give it 2 points, and that’s just because I really don’t know much about Cardi B.

Total Treat Score: 7 point/16 points

I’m really hoping we find something good by Thursday!