The teeth! –the teeth! –they were here, and there, and everywhere, and visibly and palpably before me; long, narrow, and excessively white, with the pale lips writhing about them, as in the very moment of their first terrible development. Then came the full fury of my monomania, and I struggled in vain against its strange and irresistible influence. In the multiplied objects of the external world I had no thoughts but for the teeth. For these I longed with a phrenzied desire.
The Tale
This is one of Poe’s more disturbing tales. The narrator, Egaeus, has grown up with his female cousin, Berenice, and is now about to marry her. However, she is afflicted by a wasting disease that seems to affect all of her body with the exception of her teeth. Egaeus, meanwhile, is increasingly afflicted with monomania, becoming intensely fixated on trivialities for hours, losing all sense of time and purpose. (And this was before the advent of smartphones!) He finds himself fixating on his cousin’s teeth.
Then Berenice apparently succumbs to her disease and is buried in the family plot. The next day Egaeus is awakened from a trace-like state in the library by a tap at the door. A servant reports that Berenice was discovered, alive but disfigured, near her open grave. Then Egaeus notices that his own clothing is covered with blood, and that a dirty shovel is leaning against the wall, and a small box is upon the table. As the horrible realization begins to break through, Egaeus lunges for the box, which falls and shatters upon the floor, scattering dental surgical tools and 32 teeth.
The full story is available here.
The Drink
Because this story centers on teeth, I decided that they must somehow be featured in the corresponding cocktail. But how? I decided to acquire a full set of 8 incisors, 4 canines, 8 bicuspids, and 12 molars. Naturally I turned to Amazon, which had on offer a set of “multicolored resin teeth.” By “multicolored,” they don’t mean the teeth are psychedelic, but rather that they have realistic, subtle variations in shading. I’m not quite sure what a normal use for these teeth might be. The packaging says “ provides an affordable and convenient solution for those who need to replace missing teeth, improve their smile, or create a realistic-looking denture for a costume or theatrical performance.” So, are you saying that I might use them to DIY my own dental work? The “costume” idea seems a little less insane, although how, exactly, would you incorporate a full set of individual teeth into a costume?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Is that any less insane than incorporating the teeth into a cocktail? I did think about this, and decided if I can somehow isolate the teeth from the drink itself, there at least would be less chance that you’ll end up swallowing a few stray bicuspids. I resolved, therefore, to lock the teeth away in ice. This is especially appropriate because the last three letters of the story’s title spell ICE. C’mon–keep up with me here!
I decided to freeze the teeth in an inch or two of water at the bottom of a martini glass, so the teeth would be collected in a small space and thus be more noticeable. I also used distilled water in order to maximize the clarity of the ice. So as long as you finish the drink before the ice melts, you should be OK.
Ingredients:
1 set of Synthetic Polymer Denture Teeth, Shade A2, Upper + Lower (about eight bucks on Amazon)
2 oz. gin
1 oz. dry vermouth
A dash or two of angostura bitters
Distilled water (to make it really pure, boil it once or twice)
Arrange the teeth at the bottom of a martini glass. Pour in a little distilled water so that it covers the teeth. Now freeze the glass in your freezer.
Once the water has frozen, mix the remaining ingredients together in a shaker with ice, and strain into the glass. Voila! You have a martini with teeth at the bottom.
You can, of course, use any other spirits in this drink, since the gimmick is just the teeth. I do think the ice is less noticeable by using a clear spirit. In fact, you might even ditch the bitters to make the teeth more visible still.
Poe-Script
As gruesome as Poe’s story is, it’s not beyond the realm of reality at the time of its publication in the 1830s. Digging up corpses and extracting their teeth was a thing, albeit the motivation was money rather than monomania. It seems that there was a market for human teeth, which were used to make dentures. I’m not making this up. So let’s give thanks for the advent of modern, Synthetic Polymer Denture Teeth, Shade A2!
Chasing Phantoms 
Just no. Nope. Not going there.
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