Cocktail 18: The Premature Burial

It may be asserted, without hesitation, that no event is so terribly well adapted to inspire the supremeness of bodily and of mental distress, as is burial before death. The unendurable oppression of the lungs — the stifling fumes from the damp earth — the clinging to the death garments — the rigid embrace of the narrow house — the blackness of the absolute Night — the silence like a sea that overwhelms — the unseen but palpable presence of the Conqueror Worm — these things, with the thoughts of the air and grass above, with memory of dear friends who would fly to save us if but informed of our fate, and with consciousness that of this fate they can never be informed — that our hopeless portion is that of the really dead — these considerations, I say, carry into the heart, which still palpitates, a degree of appalling and intolerable horror from which the most daring imagination must recoil.

In this tale the narrator describes his affliction with catalepsy, and how he constructed all manner of contrivances to save him if he were somehow buried alive. He had his family vault prepared with a spring-loaded door, bell ropes, stores of emergency food, and other mechanisms to assist him if he awoke after being mistakenly entombed. And yet, this being a Poe tale, he nevertheless finds himself trapped in a lightless and noiseless casket, ”buried … as a dog — nailed up in some common coffin — and thrust deep, deep, and for ever, into some ordinary and nameless grave” He cries out in hopeless agony…and is answered by several voices telling him to shut the hell up. It’s then that he remembers he’s been sleeping in a dark, tiny berth aboard a rude boat. His relief is so great that he permanently overcomes his fear of premature burial. 

Anyway, let’s just agree that being buried alive would indeed be an unfortunate circumstance.  And what better way to shake off the disquietude than by mocking the concept with a parodic cocktail? 

The full story is available here.

Using a whisk or an electric mixer, combine the pudding mix, milk, vodka, and liqueur. Then fold in the Cool Whip. Pour into a couple of good-size martini glasses, about one-third full. Then deposit your unfortunate victim, then finish filling each glass. Garnish with the chocolate sprinkles. Refrigerate for half an hour or so. The result will be more of a boozy dessert than a proper cocktail. You might need to consume it with a spoon…or a sexton’s spade.