Not a Slam Dunk

October 6, 2024 steveboilard1 Comment

That headline has multiple meanings for today’s post.

First, just to get this out of the way, I did not receive the Saturday ‘Visiter’ Award last night at Poe Fest’s Black Cat Ball. But I’m pleased to report the award went to a worthy recipient: Sherrill Joseph has been writing a book series aimed at a youth audience that features a group of young investigators that evokes the Hardy Boys. The fifth book of her series is centered on Edgar Allan Poe, and it garnered the award. I spent much of the day yesterday with Sherrill and her daughter Nicole, and I couldn’t be more pleased that she won.

*Sherrill and I promoting our SVA-nominated publications at Poe Fest.*

So, before we move on to the Treat of the Day, permit me to share a few photos from last night’s Black Cat Ball.

*Sherrill and I with Vincent Price’s daughter, Victoria (center).*

*Four of the authors at the Saturday ‘Visiter’ Awards: AA Rubin, Sherrill Joseph, yours truly, and Holly Knightley.*

OK, now let’s move from one not-a-slam-dunk to another.

Across the street from my hotel (the historic Lord Baltimore Hotel) was a Dunkin’ [Donuts]. I immediately recalled the delicious Spider Donut that I reviewed a couple of years ago. Could I experience the magic again?

Alas, the Spider Donut has crawled off Dunkin’s menu. The only “fall treat” they had on offer was a Pumpkin Muffin. Resignedly, I took the muffin and walked back to the hotel lobby to conduct this review.

Conceptual Soundness: C’mon. It’s an unadorned pumpkin muffin. It’s not a complicated concept, but neither is it especially interesting. 2 points.

Appearance of the Treat: Unlike the Starbucks muffin that I reviewed a few days ago, this is deeply cracked and misshapen. It looks like the unholy spawn of a bear claw and a Soufflé. The color is reasonably pumpkin-y, but I suspect the presence of food coloring. There’s no cream cheese or pepitas or anything to make this muffin special. They couldn’t even be bothered to use a seasonally-appropriate orange muffin cup. 1 point.

Taste: The taste is actually pretty good. There’s a slight pumpkin flavor, and it’s sweet, but not to the point of cloying. Unlike some grocery store muffins, this has no artificial or off taste.

The cake is very moist, to the point of being almost soggy. It would have benefited from another couple of minutes in the oven. The top has none of that slight crusting that I find so satisfying to bite through. Instead, the whole muffin just kind of collapses on contact. But then, somehow, each bite of this overly moist muffin ends with a dry, desiccated, crumbly finish. It seems to defy the laws of baking physics.

Overall, despite the decent taste, the eating experience is fatally compromised. The mouthfeel just doesn’t work, and the unadorned cake is so homogeneous that you’re sick of it by the time you finish. This is why breakfast cereals have crunch berries or marshmallow moons or whatever. 1 point.

Value: I paid $2.75 for this is downtown Baltimore. The price compares favorably to the Starbucks cream cheese muffin ($3.95). But you’ll recall that was a delicious treat; this is not. I’ll score the value at 2 points.

Total Treat Score: 6/16 points.

Now it’s time to leave Baltimore and say goodbye to Poe Fest. Tomorrow our seasonal treat focus will shift to Halloween candy.

"A Dying WIsh" · 2024 Halloween treats · Halloween

The Least Popular of the Spice Girls

October 5, 2024October 5, 2024 steveboilard2 Comments

I’ve been trying to think of way to casually mention that I was (sort of) talking to Vincent Price’s daughter last night. Something like, “As I was saying to Victoria last night over dinner…” But it would be stretching the truth too much, even for me. The fact is that the good people at Poe Fest had asked attendees to send in questions for the interviewer to ask Victoria Price at last night’s screening of her father’s movie, The Masque of the Red Death. My question was among those that were used. So, in a way, I asked her a question and she answered it.

*Victoria Price, answering my trenchant questions.*

The movie itself I can’t really recommend to anyone but a Poe or Price completist. It’s a heavily padded and reworked version of Poe’s short story, and it’s unusually lurid and garish and heavy-handed in depicting Prince Prospero’s Satan-loving heart. But it was fun nevertheless, and the event was held in an impressive space that started out as Baltimore’s Eutaw Savings Bank in 1887. And they had it all dressed up for the occasion.

I also have to give a shout-out to Stephanie, one of the attendees who dressed up as The Red Death.

*If you’ve seen the movie, then you’re impressed by the verisimilitude of this costume.*

Anyway, it was a great event and my hat’s off to the Poe Fest organizers.

But let’s move on to the Treat of the Day. And for that, Iet’s recall the Spice Girls. They were ubiquitous in the long-since-passed Clinton era. They had albums, concert tours, even movies. Did you know they were the most popular “girl group” (their term, not mine) of all time? I think of them every time I hear the term “pumpkin spice,” which to me sounds like the name of a sixth Spice Girl. You know, kind of like the fifth Beatle.

Almost exactly 21 years ago (on October 10, 2003 to be exact), Starbucks introduced the pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL). Starbucks makes a big deal about how the PSL was “invented” in their “liquid lab” in Seattle, where mad-scientist researchers ate pumpkin pie and drank espresso and tried to replicate those flavors in a drink. The PSL recipe supposedly involves actual pumpkin puree, as well as sugar, espresso, milk, and of course pumpkin spice, which they define as “a mixture of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, and allspice that is commonly used in pumpkin pie.”

The PSL became an enormous hit, thanks in part to an intense marketing campaign, social media influencers, and Facebook posts. The PSL became Starbucks’ most popular seasonal beverage ever. Naturally, the soaring popularity of the PSL inspired a backlash, and today you can find plenty of haters online. The youngsters dismiss the drink as “basic,” which is about as damning as it comes.

So which is it? Is the PSL a seasonal classic that offers a fun way to immerse yourself in autumn? Or is it a soulless corporate meme that jumped the shark years ago? Chasing Phantoms decided to check it out!

Conceptual Soundness. It’s admittedly a good concept. Let’s combine the sensory experience of eating pumpkin pie with the taste and caffeine kick of espresso. What’s not to like? 4 points.

Appearance of the Treat: As with my “seasonal drink” at Dutch Bros, the PSL drops the ball by not using a festive cup. The drink looks like any other. Boring, and an obvious missed opportunity for a drink that Starbucks (and many others) consider iconic. No points.

Taste: I have to say: I don’t see what all the fuss is about. It seems to just be a latte with some sweetener. I detect a slight note of caramel, but I don’t taste any spice. Which is problematic for something called a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

The drink comes across as quite “flat.” There’s no texture, and it even seems a little watery, as though they used nonfat milk. (Note: I simply asked the barista for a pumpkin spice latte; no directions were given nor questions asked about type of milk, adding whipped cream, etc. This is the “standard” version.)

More than anything, it seemed as though something was missing. It was lacking in spice, lacking in mouthfeel, and it even seemed to be lacking in espresso. At least it wasn’t cloyingly sweet, and there are no off tastes. But overall this is a nothing burger. 1 point.

Value: I paid the odd amount of $6.84 for a grande. I know coffee is getting expensive, but that seems outrageous for such an uninteresting drink. 1 point.

Total Treat Score: 6 points.

Now it’s time for me to get back to Poe Fest. Tonight is the Big Reveal of the Saturday ‘Visiter’ Award winners! If your interested, below is a short discussion of my entry.

"A Dying WIsh" · 2024 Halloween treats

Masques and Muffins

October 4, 2024October 4, 2024 steveboilard2 Comments

I have arrived in Charm City for Poe Fest. To refresh your memory, I am here because my short story, “A Dying Wish,” has been selected as a finalist for the Poe Festival’s Saturday ‘Visiter’ Awards. The winners will be announced tomorrow night at the sumptuous Black Cat Ball. Stay tuned for updates.

I’ve performed some light editing on my story since it appeared in serialized form last year, had it typeset, and had it printed for distribution at Poe Fest. I’d be happy to send a copy to interested readers of this blog as well; just drop me an email. The story is also available at the Kindle store for 99 cents, if that’s how you prefer to do your reading. Here’s the link.

Tonight at Poe Fest we’re going to watch a special screening of the 1964 adaptation of Poe’s masterpiece, The Masque of the Red Death. The film stars Vincent Price and is directed by Roger Corman. Vincent Price’s daughter–Victoria Price–will be there to introduce the film. Notably and confusingly, her Wikipedia page says “Although Victoria is the daughter of a horror icon, she is not a fan of horror films, but she is a fan of horror film fans.” This should be interesting…

Meanwhile, let’s turn to our Seasonal Treat Review. Today’s entry is a fall classic: the Starbucks pumpkin cream cheese muffin.

Conceptual Soundness: As I said, this is a classic It’s essentially pumpkin bread in muffin form, with a generous dollop of cream cheese baked right in. Here’s how Starbucks describes it: “A spiced pumpkin muffin topped with sweet cream-cheese filling and a sprinkling of chopped, spiced pepitas.” Pepitas, by the way, are basically pumpkin seeds. (I had to look it up.) Anyway, this sounds like a winner. 4 points!

Appearance of the treat. This is an attractive muffin, if I may say so. It’s baked to perfection, with that golden brown color that you associate with pumpkin bread pulled straight from the oven. The top of the muffin generously spills over the paper-cup-constrained base. (Insert obvious joke about middle-age spread here.) A caldera on the summit of this muffin is filled with luscious cream cheese, and the whole thing is sprinkled with “pepitas” (though they look suspiciously like rolled oats). The paper muffin cup is orange, which is seasonally appropriate. All that’s missing is a cute little plastic muffin topper in the shape of a pumpkin or a black cat. I give the appearance of this treat 3.5 points.

Taste. In a word, delicious. The cake is moist, delivering a perfect mouthfeel that stands up to the cream cheese. The pepitas lend a (slightly) crunchy, salty, and savory flair that complements the moist and sweet cake. The cream cheese filling is rich and flavorful; it’s a far cry from the cloying, fake cream cheese that is mindlessly troweled onto a grocery store sheet cake. The proportions of the component ingredients are pleasing, and the size of this muffin is enough to satisfy during the long stretch between lunch and dinner. Plus, at 350 calories, this won’t unduly exacerbate your muffin top. 4 points.

Value: This cost me $3.95, which seems about right for what it is. Certainly it’s far better than Starbucks’ raccoon pop, which is a quarter the size and costs the same amount. 3 stars.

Total Treat Score: 14.5/16 points.

2024 Halloween treats · Frankenstein movies

Dutch Treat?

October 3, 2024 steveboilard1 Comment

A new coffee place opened up near me a couple of months ago. It’s Dutch Brothers Coffee, which is a chain I’ve never visited in my life. They claim to have a special fall menu of “seasonal drinks,” so I figured I’d get me a big ol’ Caramel Pumpkin Brulee Breve, and park myself at a table to write this post.

Alas they only have drive-through service. I’ve never understood the advantage of drive-through food service. I mean, I suppose there’s some value if you live in Fargo and it’s 30 degrees below freezing and you just don’t want to get out of your warm car and slip on the ice. But here in California, it seems you’d want to get out of your metal cage and stretch your legs a bit. Instead, when you’re in the drive-through line, you’re held hostage by the little old couple in front of you who seem to be taken entirely by surprise when they’re asked what they’d like to order. “I was thinking I’d get some kind of coffee. What kinds of coffee do you have? What size is ‘tall?’ Is that the largest size? Wait, Martha is allergic to soy. Is there any soy in soy milk?” And don’t get me started on their unpreparedness when it’s time to pay. Meanwhile, your car is idling behind them, spewing exhaust and making climate change just a little bit worse.

If instead you were to walk inside and order at the counter, one of the baristas can negotiate with the little old couple while someone else takes your order. And if you’ve ordered something simple, chances are you’ll receive it immediately without being delayed by the person who ordered 20 different, customized specialty coffees for the office. Add in the ability to grab extra napkins, use the restroom, and maybe say hi to a neighbor, why wouldn’t you park your goddam car and ease your sciatica a bit?

Anyway, I placed my order and waited in line. The seasons changed, empires rose and fell, and then finally I pulled up to the service window, where I was handed a cup. This I took to a different coffee place–one that has indoor seating and wifi, and rhymes with “Car Ducks”–and got to work.

Conceptual Soundness. I actually like the concept of a “seasonal drink.” It allows you to lean into the unique aspects of the particular season. And by its very nature it provides an opportunity to try something different. The way I see it, a fall drink–particular one available in October–should make use of some combination of the following variables:

–Hot temperature (rather than iced, which is clearly for the summer)

–Festive cup (preferably in a fall color, decorated with autumn leaves or pumpkins or something along those lines)

–Sprinkles (employing the fall color palette) and/or whipped cream topping

–Fall spices (cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, etc.)

–Fall flavors (pumpkin, caramel, apple, etc.)

So, there’s lots of potential here. And here’s how Dutch Bros. describes their drink: “Pumpkin & salted caramel w/ Soft Top™, pumpkin drizzle & raw sugar sprinkles.” OK, that sounds pretty good. I’ll give the concept the full 4 points.

.Appearance of the Treat. I can’t say I was delighted to see the cup, which was your standard Dutch Bros white cup with the mysteriously-derived blue, red, and yellow stripes. (The Dutch flag is actually red white and blue, so their color scheme seems odd.) The Dutch Bros missed an obvious opportunity to leverage the cup design in the service of highlighting the fall season.

If I were feeling generous (which I’m not), I would give them props for the windmill design, which to me looks like place where Frankenstein’s monster dies in Bride of Frankenstein. But I’m probably the only person making that connection.

*“Igor, get me some more pumpkin drizzle & raw sugar sprinkles.”*

But setting aside the cup, maybe the drink itself is festive. I can’t wait to see the “Soft Top” (TM), whatever that is. Plus the pumpkin drizzle and the raw sugar sprinkles. This should be good. So I removed the lid and saw this:

*Disappointment, thy name is Dutch Bros.*

It looks like the lukewarm instant decaf they serve on Southwest. There is nothing visually appealing about this drink. Zero points.

Taste: This drink is very milky and sweet, but that’s it. There’s no spice that I can detect, and no hint of pumpkin or caramel. Just sugar and milk. There’s nothing seasonal about this at all. It’s boring. It’s uninteresting. It’s zero points.

Value: My medium drink costs $6.95. That seems on the steep side for such an uninteresting drink. But I’ll give it 1 point for value, since milk is expensive these days.

Total Treat Score: 5 points. Needless to say, I’m unlikely to be returning to Dutch Bros any time soon.