I was browsing the display case at Starbucks, looking for my first seasonal treat to review. And staring back at me, with a look of something between surprise and horror, was the head of a raccoon impaled on a stick. This seemed promising.

For some reason, these raccoon cake pops are HUGE! And by “huge,” I of course mean they’re tiny. But they’re huge in the sense that they’re popular. You’ll find discussions all over the internet commenting on this “new addition to Starbucks’ fall menu.” The website Trendhunter gushes that the raccoon pops are “surprisingly realistic in design” and they “even [have] pointy little ears and dark rings around the eyes.” There’s even a whole subgenre of internet memes involving raccoons eating raccoon cake pops. Observe:

Of course, none of this explains why a raccoon design should be featured in a fall lineup. But it is. And who am I to argue with Brian Niccol?

So let’s get this party started. As usual, we’ll be reviewing each treat using a four-factor grading system, with each factor earning up to four points.

Conceptual Soundness: So, this is a facsimile of a raccoon’s head impaled on a pike. Admittedly, I’ve never understood the whole cake pop concept. Instead of having a slice of cake, you’re going to get basically one bite of cake. And for reasons that are never explained, it’ll be stuck onto a stick. I mean, a lollipop or an ice cream bar or a shish kebob makes sense on a stick, since it takes a while to consume and it’s messy to hold. But a single bite of cake??? This thing is getting no conceptual soundness points from me! Zero points.

Appearance of the treat. Well, it is cute. The shape is reasonably well-defined, with little ears and everything. The eyes and nose and markings are created with icing. There’s no mouth, but that kind of lends to its cuteness. The base color is an odd blue-grey, which may or may not be the color of a raccoon in the wild. Overall, it’s playful, fun, and well-executed. I’m willing to give it the full 4 points for appearance.

Taste. Starbucks describes the pop as “vanilla cake mixed with buttercream, dipped in icing and finished with a raccoon-face design.” I have to admit, it’s delicious. The cake is moist, rich, and flavorful. The gooey frosting (buttercream?) that’s inside is what really brings the whole things together, lending a smooth texture and a more sophisticated taste…or at least, as sophisticated as is possible when you’re eating a miniature raccoon head stuck on a saliva-soaked stick. 4 points.

Value. One of these will set you back $3.95(!!!) That’s a lot for one procyonid-shaped bite of cake. By my calculations, the equivalent of one full cake would cost you $118.50. This is not a value, people. Zero points.

Total Treat Score: 8/16 points.