Jackie O

October 29, 2024 steveboilard1 Comment

Today we’re talking about JFK’s widow, who remarried and became Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, or “Jackie O” for short. There was some controversy surrounding her second marriage, which…. Oh, wait. Sorry; I misread my notes. We’re not actually talking about Jackie O today; rather, we’re talking about the Jack-O pizza from Papa Murphy’s.

As you probably know, Papa Murphy’s makes “take ‘n’ bake” [a needless contraction of take and bake] pizzas that you, well, take home ‘n’ bake. During the Halloween season they offer a specialty “Jack-O” pizza (sometimes called the Jack O’Lantern pizza), which is a pepperoni pizza that supposedly resembles a jack o’lantern. They’ve been doing this since at least 2011, as evidenced by this 2012 commercial that says it’s “back.”

Given that the Missus is away at a horse show and I’m forced to fend for myself, I say we check out this pizza!

Conceptual Soundness: It’s a pretty simple concept: Let’s shape our pizza like a jack o’lantern. The silhouette is pretty easy to achieve just by adding a stem to the top of the pizza. And then you arrange the pepperoni slices into eyes, nose, and mouth. It’s not overly imaginative, but it definitely evokes the Halloween spirit. I’ll give it 3 points.

Appearance: You’d definitely recognize it as a jack o’lantern. The eyes and nose would have probably been better presented if they’d cut the pepperonis into triangles. But the addition of olives for corneas (or maybe irises?) was a nice touch. Overall, it’s a fun, friendly, iconic look that earns 3.5 points.

Taste: Let me say from the outset that I love pizza. I think it’s one of nature’s most perfect foods. And pepperoni pizza is probably the best kind of pizza, so I was fully expecting to love this Jack-O.

Years ago I tried to imprint my love of pizza onto my toddler son. He had a play kitchen with plastic cookware and a toy oven and fake salt and pepper shakers and everything else you need to make a pretend dinner. I got him a little plastic Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza that comprised six hearty slices in a plastic deep dish. Over and over he would “bake” that pizza for me and I’d pretend to eat it.

That’s what this Jack-O tastes like.

The problem is with the crust. It’s way too bready for a traditional-crust pizza. In fact, it comes across as stretchy and gummy. Plus it lacks the cornmeal dusting, the brushed-on olive oil, and the yeasty goodness you want in a good pizza crust. I realize that might be expecting too much from a take ‘n’ bake pizza, but my complaints don’t end there.

A good pepperoni pizza is a balanced interplay between a light, not-quite-crispy crust, a rich base of tangy tomato sauce, and an even layer of melted cheese, topped with a generous airdrop of pepperoni. This pizza, by contrast, has been barely moistened with some weak tomato sauce. The cheese isn’t bad, but–and here’s the fatal flaw–the arrangement of the pepperoni results in many pepperoni-less bites of pizza. The placement of the meat is limited to the perimeter, with a few stray pieces to form the eyes, nose, and mouth. One way they could have gotten around this would have been to cover the whole pizza with pepperoni (as one does), and then hide all that pepperoni with cheese, and then make the face.

As much as it pains me, the poor crust and weak toppings force me to award only 1 point for taste.

Value: This “large” pizza (half of which I consumed for lunch) costs 10 bucks. That’s not too bad, even for a pizza you have to cook yourself. I note that the same pizza was $8 in 2012. Adjusted for inflation, that would be $11 today. So I guess the value is pretty good. I’ll give it 3 points.

Total Treat Score: 10.5 points/16 points.

There’s only 2 days left! Let’s hope for a home run soon!

Before the Cream Sits Out Too Long

October 28, 2024 steveboilard4 Comments

If you immediately identified the title of today’s blog as a lyric from Devo’s “Whip it,” you, like me, are either currently or will soon be eligible for Social Security.

Isn’t it shocking how the music we once thought was cutting-edge and innovative is now being played as generic background music at Target?

Anyway, we’ve moved into the last few days of October, and the theme this week is just a grab-bag of various foodstuffs. And “Whip It” is indeed the theme today. Our son and daughter-in-law (who are both faithful readers of Chasing Phantoms) contributed to this project an unwanted can of something called “Whip Shots.” Observe:

*“You will never live it down/Unless you whip it.”*

This requires several important observations before we start our review:

Whip Shots is clearly trying to convey the idea of pumpkin-spice-flavored whipped cream. But it’s entirely non-dairy. Not only is it not necessary to refrigerate this “Whip Shot;” the container specifically directs you “do not refrigerate.” Which reminds me of the admonition: “do not taunt Happy Fun Ball”

2. Whip Shots is a vodka-infused whipped (fake) cream, that is manufactured by a company called Temperance Distilling. Now that’s a worthy name for an alcohol purveyor. They’re located in Temperance, MI (pop: 9,200), which may well be a future destination for Chasing Phantoms. And guess what? The force behind this product is supposedly Belcalis Marlenis Cephus, otherwise known as Cardi B. But I won’t let that influence my rating.

Well, I guess I can’t put this off any longer. Let’s give this a “shot.”

Conceptual Soundness: I dunno. This stuff was released a year or two ago. But “alcohol-infused whipped cream” has been around for almost 20 years, according to Wikipedia. So it’s not really a new idea. I guess the claims to fame here are (1) the association with Cardi B (which is meaningless); the pumpkin spice flavor (which practically defines the disparaging slang term “basic”), and the use of “ulta-premium” vodka (which is about as meaningful as “deluxe” or “heavy duty” on every cheap Chinese tool at Harbor Freight). I’ll give it one point, just because I’m a softy.

Appearance: OK, this looks really appealing. It has a good pumpkin color, and comes out of the can looking like Reddi Whip. It has a great texture and the extruded shape has decorative flourishes. You really couldn’t ask for more from your “vodka-infused whipped cream.” 4 points.

Taste: Here’s where I got a little stumped. How are you even supposed to eat this stuff? The can says this is a “delicious way to top off your cocktails and desserts.” But let’s start by just eating it alone, to see what we’re working with.

Well, that was disgusting. There’s a distinct taste of vodka, but I’m here to tell you that it’s definitely not “ultra-premium” vodka, whatever that even means. It just tastes like cheap spirits to me.

This concoction is heavily sweetened, in the same sense that hummingbird food is heavily sweetened. In either case, I wouldn’t want to eat it. The container explains it uses both “natural and artificial flavors,” which is tantamount to telling me a drink contains “both nonlethal and lethal ingredients.” I mean, what’s so great about having some of the non-horrible stuff when it also contains the horrible stuff? To me, this tastes chemical-y, like whatever that was that the Joker fell into.

“*When something’s going wrong/You must whip it.*“

Now, to be fair, Temperance Distilling or Cardi B or whoever writes the ad copy recommends using Whip Shots as a topping on a cocktail. So let’s try it on a vodka martini. I’ll even add some of that activated charcoal, to give it a Halloween vibe. Who knows? Maybe we’ll come up with a great new Halloween cocktail!

*“Looking good,” as Freddie Prinze used to say…*

Never has there been such a disconnect between visual promise and gustatory reality. This is positively disgusting. We’ve learned that “Whip Shots” vodka-infused, non-dairy mystery topping is inedible. Plus, I’m starting to get a headache. Zero points.

Value: It seems the best price is available at Total Wine, where you can buy this 200 ml can for $10.99. That works out to $1.62 per ounce, which is a little more than a typical chocolate bar, but a little less than a scoop of ice cream. Strictly for visual appeal, it might be worth serving this stuff at a party where guests aren’t familiar with decent vodka. Like maybe a children’s Halloween party. I’ll give it 2 points, and that’s just because I really don’t know much about Cardi B.

Total Treat Score: 7 point/16 points

I’m really hoping we find something good by Thursday!

2024 Halloween treats · Halloween

The Maxim of the Wary Dutch

October 27, 2024 steveboilard1 Comment

You probably know of a house or two in your neighborhood that comes into its own on Halloween. It’s the kind of house that looks a little Addams-y, or at least is well-designed to accommodate cool Halloween decorations. I noticed such a house on Highway 49 in Placerville this morning.

*Sort of like House of Seven Gables, on a hill with a mournful ghost and a graveyard.*

*The ghost, I assume, is a temporary addition for Halloween. But what about those lions?*

What’s missing from the house is a pumpkin. Perhaps a jack o’lantern will appear on Halloween, but a little orange would complete the look, I think.

And that’s my awkward way of introducing today’s Treat of the Day. Recall our conversation last week about Thrifty Ice Cream. Well, today I had the opportunity to get a scoop of said dessert at Rite Aid.

I scanned their (limited) selection of flavors, and found this “limited edition” seasonal offering:

Would it be as good as the Thrifty ice cream of my childhood? Let’s find out!

Conceptual Soundness: Let’s color some ice cream pumpkin-orange and call it “pumpkin spice.” That’s pretty much the whole concept. It seems half-hearted and derivative. Couldn’t they come up with a better name that made it seem unique or playful? Like “Let’s Give ‘Em Pumpkin to Talk About.” Or “Oh My Gourd!” They could also give it a bit more of a twist by adding something interesting, like candy pieces or rum or something. As a concept, this feels pretty flat. 1.5 points.

Appearance of the Treat: There’s a reason Thrifty ice cream is so inexpensive. They don’t put much effort or expense into appearance. The paper cup looks like it hasn’t been redesigned since 1985. Each scoop of ice cream is shaped like small can of chopped olives, with hole stabbed into the top c/o the clunky (but efficient) ice cream scoop that Thrifty has been using for decades The color is severely monochromatic and not even the right color. In a word, it’s boring. 1 point.

Taste: OK, this is absolutely delicious. It’s rich and creamy and sweet without being too sweet. I don’t really taste the much-touted “spice,” but that’s OK . This ice cream is so tasty, and the mouthfeel is so satisfying, that I am overlooking the misleading “pumpkin spice” promise. I had two full scoops and was left wanting more. You just can’t tire of this ice cream! 4 points.

Value: A cup was $2.50, which is half the price of B-R and other major ice creams. An easy 4 points.

Total Treat Score: 10.5 points/16 points.

Get a scoop and take it home to your haunted house!

BTW, the full quote referenced in the headline is: “The thrifty maxim of the wary Dutch/is to save all the Money they can touch.”

2024 Halloween treats · Frankenstein movies · Halloween · Halloween candy

I Ain’t Got No Body….

October 25, 2024 steveboilardLeave a comment

One of my favorite movie scenes comes from Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein:

It’s kind of a contrived and corny gag, but it’s no less fun because of that. Plus, the more times you watch Young Frankenstein, the funnier and more lovable it becomes. Try it!

I was reminded of that scene as I drove past this Halloween decoration (?) this morning.

I was heading to the historic town of Folsom (pop: 82,000) to meet a friend for lunch. After a bratwurst on a pretzel bun (which, the tavern wench [her words, not mine] assured me, was their seasonal specialty) I walked across the street to Snooks Chocolate Factory. Here I asked the friendly proprietor what they had in the way of Halloween treats. I was led to a display case with two promising options: one was a chocolate in the shape of a bat, and the other was a small bag of “missing body parts.” Sticking with the theme of the skeletal recycler (who’s clearly missing numerous organs), I went for the missing parts.

Once I got home I then submitted the “missing body parts” to the rigorous testing you’ve come to expect here at Chasing Phantoms. So let’s get into our review.

*But how can they be “missing” if they’re right there in the bag?*

Conceptual Soundness: As you know, gummies (also called “jelly sweets” for our British friends) are jiggly, sticky, chewy little candies made out of gelatin. The first ones date back to 1864, when a company named Fryers of Lancashire made something called Unclaimed Babies, which during World War I became “Victory Unclaimed Babies.” I am not making this up. I’m guessing these were the precursors to today’s Sour Patch Kids.

Today gummies are frequently manufactured into revolting shapes (worms, spiders, fish…) They are also often powerfully flavored as sour, hot, licorice, fruit, etc. So, they’re a versatile canvas for a Halloween treat. I suppose making them into little “missing body parts” (brains, eyeballs, fingers) is a decent nod to Halloween. And by “decent” I mean 2 points.

Appearance: On the positive side, these are realistically rendered. The eyeballs are bloodshot, the brains have lots of convolutions, the fingers have well-defined cuticles. I think both the molding and coloring processes are top-notch. My only objection is that the fingers are colored red, yellow, and green, which seems like an odd choice. Overall, though, it’s a gross and revolting collection of body parts, which is of course what they were shooting for. 3.5 points.

Taste: Here’s my suggested slogan: “They taste as revolting as they look!” And by “revolting” I don’t mean really sour or spicy like some gummy candies. Instead these taste like very-slightly-sweetened hacky sacks. And they leave behind a lingering sensation like you’ve just been chewing on a wad of wax paper. It makes me wish my “missing body part” was my tongue. No points.

Value: A small 4-oz bag costs $4.50. This isn’t out of the question for a specialty candy shop. But I do think my money would have been better spent on the chocolate bat. I’ll give the value 2 points.

Total Treat Score: 7.5 points/16 points. So they don’t make good for an especially Halloween treat. But maybe they can be repurposed…

2024 Halloween treats · Halloween

C Is For Cookie…

October 24, 2024 steveboilardLeave a comment

Among the cast of characters at Halloween are various monsters: vampires, werewolves, witches, ghosts, goblins, zombies, etc. Most of these are scary, or at least eerie.

But then there’s the Cookie Monster. I’m not sure exactly what it is that qualifies him as a monster, but since “monster” is in his name, I’ll let it go.

There’s nothing scary at all about Cookie Monster. In fact, he’s beloved by toddlers all over the world. So let me explain why we’re talking about him: Today I went to the town of Folsom in search of a new Halloween-season ice cream. I went to Handels, which belongs to an Ohio-based chain of ice cream shops that all make their ice cream on premises. Among their seasonal flavors were the usual pumpkin and some kind of caramel-apple concoction. But what caught my eye was a bright blue ice cream called “Cookie Monster.” It contains not one but two kinds of cookies (Chips Ahoy and Oreos). Let’s try it!

Conceptual Soundness: Cookie Monster stuffs himself with cookies, and this ice cream is stuffed with cookies. That’s a pretty good concept, especially when you color the ice cream cookie-monster-blue. Let’s give it 3 points.

Appearance: As you can see, it’s close to the same shade of blue as Cookie Monster. You also see that they were quite generous with the cookie pieces, which jut out like tombstones from a hilltop graveyard. I wouldn’t say it looks especially appetizing, but it does look interesting and novel. That’s worth 2 points.

Taste: Turns out this is just cookies ‘n’ cream (C&C) ice cream with blue food coloring. Don’t get me wrong; I like C&C ice cream. And this is a high-quality specimen of it. But it seems Handels missed an opportunity to leverage the blue color: give it a blueberry flavor, for example, or maybe add actual blueberries. Instead, if you were eating this in the dark, it’d be indistinguishable from ordinary C&C. Yes, there are two different kinds of cookies in this, but you really can’t distinguish them here. Its average-ness only justifies 2 points. That said, the quality of this ice cream is impressive, so that kicks it up to 3 points.

Value: I got a small cup, which cost $5.50. That’s slightly more than the B-R cone I had the other day. On the other hand, this scoop was significantly larger, and the quality was higher, and frankly the flavor was more enjoyable. 3.5 points.

Total Treat Score: 11.5 fabulous points! Ah-hah-hah!

MAIL BAG

One of Chasing Phantoms’ younger fans decided to check out the BuzzBallz we reviewed last weekend.