Last weekend our sons Michael and Ian, as well as Ian’s wonderful bride Katelyn and close family friend Veronica, all came out for a visit. We ended up (as one does) playing a game that required us to sequence a collection of commercial snack foods in order, from earliest date of introduction to latest. One snack food in that list was unfamiliar to me: Takis.

The young ‘uns all insisted that Takis were a delectable snack, something akin to Doritos but in a different shape with different flavors. I should try some, said they. I accepted the challenge, and this afternoon I plunked down $4.99 at Safeway for my own 9.9 ounce bag. My analysis will be revealed in this blog post. But let’s just say that, for intrigue, controversy, and divisiveness, Hunter Biden’s laptop ain’t got nothing on Takis.

First, let me acknowledge that this blog is nominally about road trips, but surely we can all agree that a significant component of the Road Trip Experience (RTE) is consuming gas station snacks. And that has Takis written all over it.

For those of you (like me) who have been unaware of the existence of Takis, they are a “rolled corn tortilla chip snack” made by a company called Barcel, which is a subsidiary of Grupo Bimbo, the Mexican international food company. You may have seen their mascot on delivery trucks.

Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Takis were “invented” in Mexico in 1999, and introduced to the US market in 2004. They are said to be a “rolled tortilla chip” that is “fashioned after a taquito.” Now, given that two of my favorite foods are tortilla chips and taquitos, pounding a bag of Takis sounded like a no-brainer. So I dutifully made my way to the “chips and pretzels” aisle of our neighborhood Safeway and was faced with many, many different flavors of Takis. Indeed, according to Wikipedia, there are 29 distinct flavors of Takis, including such intriguing names as “Angry Burger” (spicy hamburger and dill pickle) and “Kaboom” (ketchup and sriracha). I went with “fuego” (hot chili pepper and lime, which Wikipedia calls “the spiciest of all varieties, as well as the most popular flavor”).

I got home, poured myself a Scotch, and opened the bag. The shape of the Takis is indeed reminiscent of a (very small) taquito. But half of the true taquito experience (TTE) is burning your tongue with the mystery-meat magma that oozes from the rolled tortilla when you bite into it. The Taquis, by way of contrast, just crumble apart and release a dozen chemicals (including malodextrin, MSG, hydrolyzed soy protein, and disodium inosinate) onto your tongue. The experience is somewhat similar to eating a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, but (1) it’s not quite so hot, (2) the texture is crispier and denser, and (3) your fingers do not get as stained.

For me, the good folks at Barcel do a good job of approaching the “bliss point” for sugar, salt, and fat, thus triggering the release of endorphins and encouraging you to consume more. These Takis are addictive! But, at least for the “fuego” flavor, the high level of spiciness stops you from pounding an entire bag. Seriously; after eating maybe a third of the bag, I had sweat beads collecting on my forehead and my esophagus felt like it’d been sandpapered. But maybe forcing me to stop was a good thing: just one ounce of these things constitutes a serving, which is 150 calories. So an entire bag clocks in at 1,485 calories. And a bag also provides 100 percent of your daily recommended fat. And 178 percent of your sodium.

But let’s say that you’re one of those rare people who can stop after just one ounce. For you, I think these are a worthy snack. They have intense flavor, a crunchy and satisfying mouthfeel, and a perfectly-sized shape. But who’s going to limit themselves to one ounce on a road trip?

Earlier I mentioned some controversy about Takis. It seems Takis (and similar snacks, like some Cheetos) give rise to gastritis and ulcers. Indeed, a number of schools around the country banned the sale (and, in a few cases, possession) of Takis on campus. Some claim that Takis are as addictive as street drugs. In my humble opinion, it makes sense to impose some standards for food that’s sold at school. But surely Takis are no worse than many, many other snack foods. Do they ban Red Bull? Ding-Dongs? Pepsi? Starbucks?

Anyway, my final word on Takis is that they are indeed an intensely tasty snack, but I wouldn’t want to make them a habit. Scotch, on the other hand, is a whole different story.

UPCOMING ROAD TRIPS:

I realize I haven’t posted any road trips recently, and no doubt that’s caused considerable disappointment among my loyal readership. Never fear: In a couple of weeks, I will be heading north for a nostalgic trip to Eagleville. Stay tuned.

And then, in late September, I’ll be making a motorcycle tour along the southern Italian coast. I am not making this up. All will be revealed soon enough.

Finally, you will recall that each October I turn over this blog to a Halloween-themed series of posts. This October I will be continuing that tradition. But the specific theme will be, I think, especially intriguing. Make sure to block out the entire month for reading my blog.