I hope you caught that Apollo 11 reference…

We’re at that point in October where the Halloween products are becoming scarce, crowded out by the early and unwelcome onslaught of Christmas. This was driven home today while I was scanning the shelves for a Halloween drink at my local Nugget grocery store, and I was faced with various eggnog concoctions, mulled wine kits, premixed wassail, and something called Liquid Fruitcake. But just as I was about to despair that Halloween had somehow ended two weeks early I spotted this guy staring back at me:

I’d never heard of this “Buzzballz Biggies Pumpkin.” It looked intriguing. But in retrospect, I should have noticed the many warning signs:

First, “Buzzballs” is a trademarked name obviously pitched at those who are looking for a quick buzz. (Though at 15% ABV, this stuff isn’t as potent as a simple bottle of Scotch.) It seems to be marketed to the same crowd that would drink peppermint schnapps.

Second, there’s this on the ingredient list:

“Other than standard?” And just how good would a “standard” orange wine be?

Third, this is sold in a 1.75 liter container. That’s 2.3 times the size of your standard wine bottle (orange or otherwise). How much of this stuff can you really drink?? My theory is that they know you’ll hate it, so they force you in your one and only purchase to buy many times more than you’re willing to drink.

Foolishly, I ignored the warning signs and plowed ahead.

Before actually partaking, I searched the internet for reviews of this drink. There are many videos, but this is the only one I am comfortable posting on this G-rated blog:

Anyway, somehow I ended up at home with 1.75 liters of “Buzzballs.” So let’s get on with it.

Conceptual Soundness: I confess that I’m not entirely clear on what the concept even is. Obviously it’s packaged to look like a jack o’lantern, so this is clearly aimed at the Halloween market. As near as I can tell it’s meant to be an alcoholic Pumpkin Spice Latte. And I guess that’s a decent concept. I mean, the PSL is popular this time of year, and vodka is always in season. Reminds me of the old Reeses commercials, which played up the accidental but delightful combining of chocolate and peanut butter. Could this deliver a similarly happy combo? I’m intrigued enough to give it 2.5 points.

Appearance: The packaging definitely caught my eye. The graphics are pretty low-grade, and the shape is more like a Roadrunner-style, acme bomb than a pumpkin. But it’s semi-cute.

Unfortunately, the appearance of the drink itself is a huge disappointment. It’s not a pleasant shade of pumpkin carotene orange, as you’d expect. Instead, it’s an anemic white, resembling the off-brand nonfat milk you might find at the school cafeteria. I am compelled to award zero points.

Taste: When I was in high school, one of my classmates–Bill M.–got a job working at the campus snack bar. At recess, I’d get in line like everyone else, and when it was my turn Bill would hand me a “suicide” drink of his own devising, as well as a handful of “change.” But I wouldn’t have paid him any money at all. It was a great scam.

The drinks he handed me were disgusting (though the price was right). They’d be some random blend of 7-Up, Dr. Pepper (in those days the “Dr.” still had a period), Canada Dry Ginger Ale, and Tab. One day, unbeknownst to me, he slipped in a shot or two of vodka. It was a disgusting, cloyingly sweet drink with an unexpected bite of alcohol. I puked in the boys’ room.

The Buzzballz tastes like that.

Actually, that analogy doesn’t fully capture the horror. This tastes like Bill M’s silly high school drink, but with the addition of a half-dozen packets of saccharine. I can’t overstate how cloying this is.

Now, this confuses me. Most of the online reviews claim Buzzballs tastes like “pumpkin pie” or a “pumpkin spice latte.” But all I taste is Sweet’N low and rubbing alcohol. Zero points.

You wonder if this foul potation is meant to be mixed with something, as you would Baily’s or Kahlua. But all the reviews I read suggested you should just chug it straight out of the container. Here’s a sample review, but please note that the language doesn’t meet my family-friendly blog standards:

Ease of Preparation: The drink is pre-mixed, so there’s that. Just open and chug. But paying for it is another thing. This bottle cost me $25. Combining those two factors, let’s give it 2 points.

Total Treat Score: 4.5 points/16 points.

My recommendation is instead you try to track down Bill M.