Beignets and Broomsticks

The Missus and I have an event to get ready for this afternoon, and I’m helping a neighbor with a fence project this morning, so I got up at zero dark thirty to make the half-hour drive out to a promising donut shop to take care of the Treat of the Day. (It’s all for you, gentle reader!)

Anyway, when I arrived at Heavenly Donuts in Cameron Park, they were doing a brisk business. When I got to the front of the line I asked the smiling donutier (that’s what you call him, right?) for something related to Halloween. Puzzled look. “You know, like maybe orange and black frosting? Or shaped like a pumpkin? Or with a blood-colored filling?” I received the same puzzled look, then: “Not exactly. But we have beignets.”

I decided to abandon this effort and try another donut vendor….but not before I snagged a couple of crullers. (A man’s got to eat.)

Next stop was a place called Fork Lift, which is a grocery store with an impressive bakery. Once again, I was shut out on Halloween donuts, but they did have Halloween cupcakes. I selected one with a witch’s hat and took it back to the Chasing Phantoms testing labs. So here we go:

Conceptual Soundness: There something really minimalist about this. It’s just a plain old vanilla cupcake with a hat plopped onto it. But the hat is immediately recognizable as a witch’s hat, and it clearly dominates this treat. It’s iconic and evocative, and it seems to suggest a story just by sitting there. I’m smitten. 4 points.

Appearance of the Treat: In a word, it’s adorable and festive. (OK, that’s two words.) And it’s not just me. The person who packaged it up for me gushed about how skilled the baker is with the hat. “It’s amazing how she gets the shape just so!” The cashier who took my money was similarly bewitched (ha!) by the cupcake. And when I got home, even the Missus, who hasn’t make a habit of encouraging me on this month-long treat journey, acknowledged that the cupcake was cute. You have to admire both the design (pointed, listing witch’s hat complete with buckle) and the execution (patient and skilled). On top of all that, they package it up in a plastic container so it can survive the journey home. (Recall that the apple-caramel cookie I got the other day was just stuffed in a bag.) So I really need to give this cupcake the full 4 points.

Taste: Now, I assumed the witches hat was made of some kind of marshmallow. It sure has that texture and appearance. I was looking forward to getting a mouthful of that flavored marshmallow goodness combined with the vanilla cake base. So imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the entire witch’s hat is made of black frosting.

Now, I have nothing against frosting per se, but this cupcake has far more frosting than cake. The frosting completely dominates, coating your tongue, getting between your teeth, gumming up the small amount of cake comes with each proportional bite. The last time I experienced anything like this was when I was nine and I ate a large can of pre-mixed Betty Crocker chocolate frosting with a neighborhood friend who stole it from his mom’s cupboard. Bottom line: This cupcake has sacrificed taste on the altar of cuteness. Zero points.

Value: One of these cupcakes costs $3.50. That’s not bad for a well-decorated cupcake. But unless you’re planning to harvest the copious frosting and transfer it to the top of a birthday cake, there’s really no value in this inedible cupcake. Zero points.

Total Treat Score: 8 points/16 points.

And “Altar of Cuteness” would make a great title for a Prog-Rock album.

MAIL BAG

In response to yesterday’s review of “Missing Body Parts,” loyal reader Detlef K. shared this image of a (revolting) charcuterie board for your next Halloween party. Enjoy!