Pretzel #10–Perilous Pretzels

Oak Park Brewing Company, Sacramento, CA

Years ago I worked for a nonpartisan state legislative agency. We had no formal authority or powers; our role was simply to analyze state budget issues and provide advice and information to the state Legislature. This, for me, was the ideal job. I got to indulge my analytical side, and even to make recommendations for state programs and taxes and expenditures. But, because the Legislature was free to take or leave our recommendations as they saw fit, we were not held responsible for any specific actions. It was the best of both worlds: practical academic research plus meaningful policy relevance, without political consequences. Who could ask for more?

After almost 15 years I left this job, but I’ve kept in touch with a group of former colleagues (now almost all retired) from that office. We get together periodically, ostensibly to discuss grammatical issues (I’m not making this up), but the conversation generally veers toward lumbago and bursitis. Anyway, we got together last night at Oak Park Brewing Company for a tardy celebration of Zweibelmas, which, if you’re not familiar with it, is not worth going into here. Suffice it to say that the main focus of our festivities was beer….and pretzels.

Oak Park Brewing Company is a vibrant, community-rooted brewery and restaurant on Broadway in Sacramento. It’s been around for a decade, and it’s housed in a distinctive and atmospheric century-old building. It’s definitely one of the bright spots on Broadway, and one of my favorite places to hang out.

So amid all the hullabaloo of our festivities I managed to try their OPB Pretzel: “LARGE BUTTERY SOFT BAKED PRETZEL, HOUSEMADE BEER CHEESES & CREOLE MUSTARD.” Now, this description raises a few questions. Like, is “buttery” just a descriptor for how “soft” it is (“buttery-soft”), or do they mean that it’s not only soft, but it’s also buttery (as in, brushed with butter)? Meanwhile, why the plural usage in reference to the beer “cheeses”? And finally, why is the entire description in capital letters?

Throwing caution to the wind, I ordered myself an OPB Pretzel. And I was not disappointed.

This pretzel has a lot going for it. I mean, just look at the size! And it’s obviously handmade, with varying thickness throughout. And you can see in the cracks how the dough is chewy versus fluffy. Salt distribution is ideal. And we can see why they chose to use the plural of beer cheese, since they provide two containers.

The taste doesn’t disappoint either. It’s chewy but not too heavy. It actually almost melts in your mouth (“buttery-soft”). I don’t taste a heavy brushing of butter, though, and I consider that a good thing. The beer cheese is also mighty tasty; it’s quite cheddary…but I don’t taste any trace of beer. This is my only complaint. Otherwise, it’s close to the Perfect Pretzel.

I actually relayed my compliments to our server, and asked if these were made in-house. She kind of scoffed, and said “no,” as in “obviously not, you rube.” Then she added, apropos of nothing, “but we make our own beer.” I asked who made the pretzels, and she just shrugged. “No idea.”

This interaction triggers two thoughts: (1) did I breach etiquette somehow by asking if they made their pretzels? She sure seemed to be annoyed by the question. And (2) have any of the other pretzels I’ve reviewed been house-made? I was assuming they all were, but aside from B’More Twist, where they make the pretzels in front of you, I actually don’t know. Is this even important?

I’ll give the pretzel 4 stars. It’s close to a five in terms of taste and appearance, but half a point comes off for the server’s ‘tude and half off for sourcing it from parts unknown.

PRETZEL TRIVIA

For today’s pretzel trivia let’s consider the world of pretzel-related injuries. Surely you remember in January 2002, when the President of the United States, George W. Bush, was watching a football game on TV and somehow choked on the pretzel he was munching. According to the Los Angeles Times, a bite of pretzel went down the presidential windpipe, which caused “a nerve [to be] stimulated by the pretzel caught in his throat. The medical term for such an episode is vasovagal syncope… In such cases, the body sends a signal to the heart via the vagus nerve. This causes a sudden drop in heart rate, which is restored when the person falls.” After fainting, Bush fell off the couch, “bruising his lower lip and suffering an abrasion the size of a half dollar on his left cheek, White House physician Dr. Richard Tubb said.”

But I’m sure every schoolchild knows all this. The trivia is: Where did the pretzel come from? Apparently for over a decade the source of the pretzel was a national secret. But in 2014 intrepid reporters were able to determine that The Pretzel That Almost Took Down the President came from Hammond Pretzel Bakery in Lancaster, PA. Let that be a warning to you all.