California history · Road trips · trains · Uncategorized

Espee

A recent suggestion from a family friend (Linda M.) got me thinking thinking that the storied Southern Pacific Railroad would make a good theme for an upcoming road trip. And given that the days are getting shorter and colder, I figured I should get cracking if this trip were to happen before next Spring.

As regards the question of where, specifically, to go, I decided to ping my Uncle Ed. Alert readers of this blog will recall that Uncle Ed is a lifelong railroad buff who turned his passion for trains into a career. It’s Ed’s influence that got me interested in trains during my childhood. Uncle Ed is also the brains (and all the other organs) behind the celebrated Dome O’ Foam website, which bills itself as a “veritable foam-induced-wheelslip fiesta of past-day railroading.” And its specialization in the Southern Pacific is recognized to be, if not the most definitive, at least the most entertaining.

So I asked Uncle Ed to suggest sites for my trip, and he responded with this melancholy lament: “Nearly all of my favored old SP haunts are either bulldozed from the map, or so radically altered that they are nearly unrecognizable.  These were places where I joked and worked and played cards with my other family, all the while passing and receiving the latest important rumors and gossip. To see these places and their people disappear has been a painful exercise, so I prefer to think of them as they were, rather than confront things as they are. I really don’t want to visit the present when it comes to my past.”

It’s true that vestiges of the Southern Pacific (or, the “Espee,” as some of us old-timers call it) are fast disappearing. Southern Pacific practically owned California (at least, it owned a number of its politicians) for many years, and its influence was exerted in the development of industries, the price of various commodities, and the expansion and even creation of entire cities. In its heyday, the Espee was highly visible in California, and its bright, gleaming Daylight passenger trains were iconic works of art that zipped along the coast.

Southern Pacific  Daylight P192 image 0

But Southern Pacific’s prominence declined with the rise of the automobile and long-haul trucks. It’s passenger service ended in 1971. And then the Espee was absorbed by the Union Pacific in 1995. Since then, the physical infrastructure associated with the old Espee has deteriorated and disappeared.

Now, there’s two ways for these sad facts to influence the planning of a road trip: (1) I could logically conclude that the Espee has been relegated to the dustbin of history, and instead focus my road trip on something else, or (2) I could commit to seeing some of the last remnants of the Espee before they’re all gone for good. Guess which approach I chose?

And so this morning I saddled up the Speedmaster and headed for the town of Tehachapi, home of a Southern Pacific depot dating back to 1904, along a rail line the Espee built in 1876. The depot was recently restored and now serves as a museum. The rail line remains one of the most active rail segments in the West.

The city of Tehachapi (pop: 14,000) lies about halfway between Bakersfield and Mojave. It was founded in the 1870s, beside that new rail line the Southern Pacific constructed between the San Joaquin Valley and the Mojave. I arrived downtown around noon, and took a leisurely look around. It was clear that Tehachapi embraces its railroad heritage, as is evident in these photos:

Their definition of “downtown” is a little different than mine.
But why would the name of the crossing be emblazoned on the train that presumably just passes that crossing?
It used to be a taco stand. I’m trying to imagine what the name of the place was. “The Taco Train?” “The Little Tortilla That Could”?
The trusty Speedmaster rests under a historic water tower from the steam era.
Sadly, as far as real estate agents go, she’s terriable.

The Tehachapi depot museum, which had been one of the main attractions that led me to this city, was looking good for what was supposed to be a 146-year old building. It was painted Southern Pacific colonial yellow, the same, familiar color that all Espee buildings sported.

I entered the building and was immediately accosted by an old man (or maybe it was an old woman; it was hard to tell with the Covid mask) in a Southern Pacific conductor’s uniform who checked my temperature with a “touchless” thermometer. I put “touchless” in quotation marks because he/she bonked me on the head with the thing. I clocked in at 96.7. Slightly below average. My life story.

Having passed the medical exam, I checked in with a pleasant woman at the front desk and then was turned over to a equally pleasant docent named Doug. It was Doug (pictured below) who set me straight on the history of this depot.

When I grow up, I want to be as happy as Doug.

The first Epee depot in Tehachapi was constructed in 1876, the same year that the rail line was put in. That building burned down in 1904, and a new depot was immediately constructed near the original site. This second building was a central feature of “downtown” Tehachapi for many years, but gradually it fell into disrepair, particularly after passenger service was halted in the 1970s. By the 1990s the building had become a dilapidated shell of its former self.

Tehachapi, CA - Official Website
Glory days.
National Register #99001263: Tehachapi Railroad Depot
Forlorn near the turn of the 21st century

Now, remember that the Southern Pacific Railroad, who owned this depot, was absorbed by the Union Pacific in 1995. The UP decided it didn’t need this old white elephant from the Espee days, and figured they’d probably raze the damn thing. Then the good citizens of Tehachapi, who, as we’ve established, embrace their railroad heritage, approached the UP officials and asked if they could have the old building. The UP drove a hard bargain (insisting that it be compensated with a shiny new building to replace the old one), and the city became the proud owner of an old, deteriorating, but historic depot. And guess who was the key actor in making all this happen? Yes, it was my tour guide, Doug.

The city receives the key to the depot from UP. Docent Doug in in the plaid shirt.

So, that’s awesome, right? The city raised funds to fully restore the depot, and finally in 2008 the restoration was complete. In a few months the city would move displays and artifacts into the building and make it into a proper museum of Tehachapi railroad history.

And then, before the museum could open, some errant fireworks torched the restored building and it burned to the ground.

Mimicking the Three Little Pigs, the city’s leaders resolved to rebuild the depot, this time with fire sprinkers and ADA access. Fortunately, they had a full set of blueprints from the 1904 building, and they rebuilt the place almost exactly as it had been. This is the depot that I was now standing in, staffed by cheery volunteers and crowded with railroad memorabilia.

The only obvious reminder that the earlier building had burned was the old clock near the platform, melted from the flames.

Paging Salvador Dali…

I spent a full hour with Doug, learning about the town’s railroad history. As I was leaving, I asked what other sites I should explore while I was in Tehachapi.The woman at the front desk had two suggestions: The Tehachapi Loop (which we’ll get to in a moment), and the Kohnen’s Authentic German Bakery, right next to the museum. She didn’t steer me wrong. Get an eyeful of these baked goods:

Hear that? It’s my arteries screaming.

And so today, 14 days after the conclusion of my Halloween Treat Series, I finally found the Halloween Sugar Cookie I’d been looking for all the month of October. I give it 0 points out of 3 for packaging (they put it in a paper bag), 2 for appearance of the treat (finally someone used the correct color blend of sprinkles!), 3 for taste, and 3 for value (it was a buck and a half), for a Steve’s Sweetoberfest Score of 8 out of 12. A solid treat.

Moments later a chew-chew ran into it.

My next stop was the Tehachapi Loop, which is just a few miles from the depot. Like the original depot, the Tehachapi Loop dates back to 1876. It was considered a major engineering feat of its time, and still operates, essentially unchanged, to this day. Between 20 and 30 trains pass along the loop daily.

The loop allows trains to gain elevation gradually (about a 2 percent grade) so that they are able to cross the Tehachapi Pass. Here’s a photo I got off the web, which has a much better angle than from my vantage points on the winding road in the background.

Tehachapi Loop | Amusing Planet

There’s something mesmerizing about watching 100-car trains spiraling up or down this corkscrew. Unlike a freeway, a railroad leaves much of the surrounding scenery untouched, somehow gracefully blending the trackbed with the natural environment. And it’s especially entrancing when you realize the thing is almost 150 years old, an impressive legacy of the storied Espee.

My more earth-bound view, taken with an iphone.
Here it is in motion…
A section of track near the loop. I just liked how it looked.

After spending an hour or so watching 3 long trains pass through the loop, I continued down the road to see if I could find its the tunnel entrance. I failed in that effort, but as I was searching I came across the grave of one Cesar Chavez, buried just yards from the mainline. I’m not making this up.

Cesar Chavez (on the right), next to his wife Helen.
Train passing behind the wall of Cesar Chavez’s burial place.

The sun was beginning to dip behind the mountains, and I figured it was time to call it a day. Tomorrow I’ll be heading up into the southern Sierra Nevada mountains to see what I can see. But first, I decided that I’d earned a BOTD.

BREW OF THE DAY

Conveniently located next to my hotel is TK’s Pizza and Taproom. I ordered a Stone Xocaveza Imperial Stout to go with my meat-lovers pizza. Now, I usually like my imperial stouts to have an ABV in the double-digits and the viscosity of Havoline. This pint didn’t deliver on either of those scores: it’s only 8.1% alcohol and its got the consistency of lowfat milk. But even though this brew departs from my stereotype of an imperial stout, its flavor is rich, delicious, and intoxicating. You immediately taste coffee up front, and then the various spices make themselves known: nutmeg, cinnamon, maybe a little vanilla. And definitely chocolate. This is a Mexican hot chocolate mixed with Starbucks. It’s a winter warmer to drink next to the fireplace while reading Conan Doyle. It’s a festive, copper-shot mahogany potation that’s sure to improve your outlook on life. Go out and get yourself one today!

Halloween candy · Uncategorized

Happy Halloween!

In the spirit of the holiday, we have a special treat for you today. After the daily review (which appears immediately below), we’re going to summarize the top entries in each of my four categories, and then select a winner from each. I can almost hear the cheers from my far-flung readership….

Today’s treat is perhaps the most questionable of all the month’s entries. That’s because it has no added sugar. In fact, it isn’t processed at all. It’s just a naturally-occurring food that’s been stuck in a bag and cynically labeled as a Halloween treat. So yes, I’m obviously talking about Hobgoblin Grapes!

  1. Packaging. We start off with the usual point for transparent packaging. But then we notice the nods to Halloween:
  1. They’ve taken black, seedless grapes and re-branded them as “Harvest Hobgoblin Grapes.”
  2. They include an illustration of what’s purportedly a hobgoblin, but which seems more like one of Santa’s elves gone bad.
  3. There’s a cauldron of bats flying in front of a harvest moon. That’s always a sure-fire Halloween cliche.
  4. The PLU (price look-up) code is on a pumpkin.
  5. There’s (somewhat incongruously) a ghost behind the “Harvest Hobgoblin” title.
  6. There’s a reference to trick or treat, with the self-congratulatory “no trick, all treat!”

Altogether, it’s a pretty good effort. I’ll give it three points.

2. Appearance of the Treat. Let’s face it. These are grapes. As such, they look like grapes. There’s really nothing especially appealing or Halloween-y about these. I suppose, to be generous, I could give a point for their being black, which is one of the two traditional Halloween colors. And since I’m indeed a generous guy, I will in fact award that one point.

3. Taste. Not only do these look like grapes; they taste like grapes. (I’m suddenly reminded of an old Cheech and Chong routine that all the middle-school kids had memorized in the 1970s.) Given that they have lots of natural sugar, I guess you could consider them a decent treat. But I can’t give more than one point when there’s no chocolate, nougat, sprinkles, icing, or other components of a self-respecting treat.

4. Value. My local grocery store had these for $1.79 per pound, which works out to about 11 cents per ounce. That’s among the least expensive of the treats that we’ve reviewed this month. On the other hand, if value is at all affected by the Treat Satisfaction Index (which is something I just made up), then the value declines. Let’s call it 2 points.

Steve’s Spooktoberfest Score: 7 out of 12 points, making it a minor TREAT. Get some for the neighborhood kid who’s allergic to real treats.

PART II: GREATEST HITS

We now move to the second look at the winners in each of the four categories over the course of the month. We start with packaging. There were 7 treats getting a full 3 points in this category:

PACKAGING WINNERS:

Oct 13: Frankenberry

Oct 16: Pumpkin beer

Oct 17: Monster pop

Oct 20: Cheetos Bag o’ Bones

Oct 24: Kettle corn

Oct 28: Cap’n Crunch’s Halloween Crunch

Oct 31: Hobgoblin grapes

Applying my usual carefully-controlled measurements and objective criteria (which involves a dart board and a blindfold), I have to hold up the Cap’n Crunch as the treat with the most Halloween-y packaging. It seems they didn’t leave any space on the box undecorated. If nothing else, the appearance of the good Cap’n as a tattered, luminescent ghost makes this a worthy packaging effort.

Moving on to APPEARANCE OF THE TREAT:

Oct 9: Mummy cookie

Oct 14: Spider donut

Oct 15: Frankenstein cookie

Oct 17: Monster pop

Oct 19: Caramel apple

Oct 21: Candy corn cookie

Oct 22: Halloween oreos

Oct 28: Cap’n Crunch

Oct 30: Cinnamon roll

This is a tough one. All these treats are a delight to behold. But I have to give the award to the spider donut. The vibrant colors and creative design are whimsical and festive. If there were a Nobel Prize for Halloween Treat design, it would go to the spider donut.

Turning now to the all-important category of TASTE:

Oct 7: Nerd rope

Oct 10: See’s pumpkin

Oct 14: Spider donut

Oct 17: Monster pop

Oct 19: Caramel apple

Oct 22: Halloween oreos

Oct 23: Reese’s white chocolate pumpkin

Oct 24: Kettle corn

Oct 26: Russell Stover candy corn pumpkin

This is another tough choice. To select a winner, I thought about which treat I’d most like to have if I were stuck on a desert island with no other treats for a month. Framed in this way, the answer is obvious: it’s the Russell Stover candy corn pumpkin. You’ll recall that the candy corn part isn’t really the decisive factor here; instead, it’s the white fudge, enveloped in white chocolate. Never let it be said that I’m snobbish about my treats–I mean, Russell Stover?!

Now for the little matter of VALUE:

Oct 2: Russell Stover marshmallow pumpkin

Oct 3: Russell Stover peanut butter pumpkin

Oct 7: Nerd Rope

Oct 8: Popcorn ball

Oct 14: Spider donut

Oct 19: Caramel apple

Oct 26: Russell Stover candy corn pumpkin

Oct 30: Cinnamon roll

To identify a winner, I used a complicated and proprietary formula that combines cost-per-ounce with bliss factor and Halloweeniness. I plugged the data into my computer and the winner was revealed to be the caramel apple. It’s an old-timey Halloween treat that appeals to my nostalgia, plus it’s decorated in fall colors and it has a really nifty ghost ring. If I really wanted to justify this choice, I could note that there’s even some nutritional value to an apple.

OK, now to cut it another way, we can look at the total points earned by each treat. All the month’s treats are listed below, with their total scores. Note that two treats tied for first place.

Oct 1 Frankencup: 7 points

Oct 2: Russell Stover marshmallow pumpkin: 5 points

Oct 3: Russell Stover peanut butter pumpkin: 5 points

Oct 4: Jelly belly pumpkins: 2 points

Oct 5: Kinder egg: 6 points

Oct 6: Reese’s regular pumpkin: 7 points

Oct 7: Nerd rope: 9 points

Oct 8: Popcorn ball: 10 points

Oct 9: Mummy cookie: 6 points

Oct 10: See’s pumpkin: 6 points

Oct 11: Pop tarts: 6 points

Oct 12: Pepperidge farm cookies: 2 points

Oct 13: Frankenberry: 5 points

Oct 14: Spider donut: 10 points

Oct 14: Ghost pepper donut: 3 points

Oct 15: Frankenstein cookie: 5 points

Oct 16: Pumpkin beer: 5 points

Oct 17: Monster pop: 11 points

Oct 18: Jelly Belly Monster Mash: 2 points

Oct 19: Caramel apple: 11 points

Oct 20: Cheeto’s Bag o’ Bones: 7 points

Oct 21: Candy corn cookie: 7 points

Oct 22: Halloween Oreos: 10 points

Oct 23: Reese’s White Chocolate pumpkin: 7 points

Oct 24: Kettle corn: 10 points

Oct 25: Pumpkin chips: 2 points

Oct 26: Russell Stover candy corn pumpkin: 9 points

Oct 27: Kit Kat: 4 points

Oct 28: Cap’n Crunch’s Halloween Crunch: 9 points

Oct 29: Spooky Lips: 2 points

Oct 30: Cinnamon roll: 9 points

Oct 31: Hobgoblin grapes: 7 points

Finally, like a graduate student showing off statistical operations toward no real meaningful purpose, I’d like to point out that there were three treats that each earned perfect scores of 3 points in three categories. They are:

Oct 14; Spider donut

Oct 17: Monster pop

Oct 19: Caramel apple

So there you have it. I hope you appreciate my eating 31 different Halloween treats (actually, it was 32, since I sampled two different donuts on October 14) on your behalf. I hope you all have a wonderful Halloween, and stay tuned for next October when I review classic scary movies. In the meantime, this blog will return to chronicling my travel adventures around California and beyond.

And now, in the spirit of Halloween, I’ll leave you with not just one “Boo!”, but two:

Boo-Boo Bear - Wikipedia
Halloween candy · Uncategorized

On a Roll

One of the best things about doing this treat blog in October is that I feel obligated to purchase and consume sweets on a daily basis. (Don’t try this at home; I’m a trained professional.) This morning, for example, I was feeling a bit peckish for a baked good. The treat gods were apparently smiling on me, for when I got to the grocery store there was a Halloween-themed cinnamon roll staring back at me from the bakery case.

Cinnamon rolls, I think we can all agree, are basically a delivery system for icing. No one really cares about the relatively-bland, sometimes-dry bread that serves as the foundation for the cinnamon roll. In fact, if that bread didn’t have cinnamon, I’m pretty sure it would indistinguishable from a slice of Wonder Bread. But something magical happens with you add the icing. The genius of the cinnamon roll is the “roll” part; that is, you get icing not just coating its exterior surface, but you also get icing (or sometimes a cinnamon-sugar goo) lining the interior spiral.

I’ll admit that you don’t normally think of cinnamon rolls as part of the Halloween Treat Pantheon. But the good people at Ralph’s decided to drizzle an orange icing on top of the traditional white icing, instantly turning it into a Halloween Treat. This might be classified as gilding the lily, but I’d call it inspired. You can’t have too much icing. (Refer to the previous paragraph.)

So let’s get on with the review!

  1. Packaging. The packaging consists solely of a clear plastic clamshell. There’s no brand name, no cute mascot, no description, no “nutrition facts,” no nothing. But even though I can’t give the packaging any points for Halloween imagery, I will, per tradition, award 1 point for letting me see the actual treat prior to purchase.

2. Appearance of the Treat. Although simple in concept, the appearance of this cinnamon roll is impressive. It starts with a standard cinnamon roll with regulation white icing. It’s then drizzled with a secondary icing in that perfect shade of Halloween Confectionary Orange which both denotes Halloween and promises sugary goodness. The design of said secondary icing is evocative of a spider web, and reminds me of the logo of Boris Karloff’s “Thriller” television series from the 1960s.

A TV Series Review by Walker Martin: THRILLER (1960-1962).

So let’s review: Halloween orange, sugary goodness, Boris Karloff. That’s worth 3 points.

3. Taste. On the one hand, the bread of this cinnamon roll, like so many cinnamon rolls, was disappointingly dry. Clearly they skimped on the all-important cinnamon goo which belongs along the inner spiral. But the double-icing coating inclined me toward forgiveness. The icing was thick and fresh and gooey, and suffused my mouth, almost (but not quite) masking the dryness of the bread. So let’s do the math: 3 points for the icing, and 1 point for the bread, produces an average of 2 points.

4. Value. This fresh-baked, generously-iced treat set me back a mere 4 bits. Over time that works out to maybe $10 per cavity. It’s definitely a good value. 3 points.

Steve’s Sweetoberfest Score: 9 points out of 12, making it a solid TREAT. If you can’t find one at your local grocery store, at least you can watch Thriller on YouTube for free.

Halloween candy · Uncategorized

Antepenultimate Treat

(I always look for an opportunity to use that word.) (No, not treat; antepenultimate!)

I’ve spent a good portion of this month trying to find a few old-timey Halloween treats that I remember from my misspent youth: syrup-filled wax skeletons, candy bones strung on an elastic bracelet, candy cigarettes, wax lips… I’ve failed in my efforts to locate those bygone treats, but I did find something close. Allow me to tell the tale:

Behold the “Spooky Lip Pop!” It’s not wax lips, exactly, because you could sort of eat the wax lips. I was never entirely clear whether they were intended to be edible, but technically you could bite off a chunk and chew it into a crumbly mass that, if you were lucky, would cohere sort of like chalky gum. Today’s “Spooky Lip Pop,” however, is made of entirely inedible plastic lips, to which is attached a candy bulb in the fashion of a baby’s pacifier. So let’s get down to the review.

  1. Packaging. Alert readers know that I give points for clear packaging which allows the potential consumer to see the actual product. This is no exception. You can clearly see the plastic lips and teeth which look like they’re in need of some serious orthodontia. There’s also a drawing of a pair of creepy-looking zombie hands in desperate need of a manicure, as well as random body parts (an eyeball, some phlegm, and who knows what else). It’s definitely not appealing packaging. In fact, it evokes the old Wacky-Packages of my youth, which used disgusting wordplay and double-entendres to gross out young consumers. I’ll give it 2 points.
  2. Appearance of the Treat. As noted above, the treat is clearly visible through the packaging. But once you liberate it from the packaging, you encounter a cute (?) cartoon face that’s demonstrating how to use the candy pacifier. As if it isn’t intuitive.

For some reason, I found it to be a clever little prop. True, the artwork is amateurish and the size is out of scale. And why would a zombie, with leaking brains and mismatched eyes, feel a need to use fake teeth to make himself look weirder? But it’s still kind of playful. The plastic lips/teeth themselves are reasonably well rendered. See how Mr. Spookybones models them:

I’ll give this a definite 2 points for appearance.

3. Taste. The business end of this treat is a bulb-shaped hunk of sugar that supposedly tastes like blue raspberry. It got me to wondering if there’s even such a fruit as blue raspberry. And evidently there is! But it’s doubtful that any Rubus leucodermis gave up their lives for this treat. Anyway, it tastes mainly just like sugar, maybe with a hint of a nondescript fake flavor you get in a Slurpee or whatever. But let’s face it: You don’t buy a plastic, lip-shaped pacifier for its culinary verisimilitude. I’m willing to give this 2 points, because I’ve been sucking on it since I started writing this review, and it’s inoffensive. (Special note: As I’ve gotten down there the end of the pop, I’ve discovered a plastic pointy-thing sticking out of the candy. I’m not sure this would be the best thing to be giving to small kids on Halloween.)

4. Value. It cost me a buck at Party City. It’s the closest thing to wax lips I’ve been able to find, so supply and demand must confer some value on this. I’ll give it 2 points.

Steve’s Spooktoberfest Score: 8 out of 12 points, which qualifies as a minor TREAT. Get yours while you can. Or take out a life insurance policy on a toddler and give this to him.

Halloween candy · Uncategorized

Crunchatize Me

Alert readers will recall that I’ve wanted to try Cap’n Crunch’s Halloween Crunch, but all my efforts to find a box of the stuff have come up empty.

So my son, Ian B. (I’m protecting his identity by not revealing his last name, though coincidentally it begins with the same letter as mine does) ordered a box online and shared the results with me. So, kudos to him. He’s back in the will.

Cap’n Crunch was first released in 1963, and over the years it’s been available in various special and seasonal flavors. In 2007 Halloween Crunch was released, and it’s reappeared each fall (including, allegedly, this year. See Ian B if you want a box.) By the way, if you really want to go down a rabbit hole, check out the “declassified FBI files” on Cap’n Crunch, whose full name is said to be Horatio Magellan Crunch.

But back to Halloween Crunch. The whole point of this cereal is that it turns the milk in your bowl green. So if that’s not a good reason to include it in our blog, I don’t know what is. Now on with the show!

  1. Packaging. Now these people know how to infuse their packaging with proper Halloween spirit. Let us count the ways:
  1. Eerie black background.
  2. Questionable greenish miasma hanging around the Cap’n.
  3. Speaking of the Cap’n, he looks like a ghost!
  4. And not just a ghost; note that his clothes are tattered and there’s a bite taken out of his bicorne hat.
  5. There’s a cauldron of bats (I think that’s the right animal grouping term) on the upper corner.
  6. Ghosts are flying out of the cereal bowl.
  7. Spooky script is employed to tell us that “ghosts turn milk green!”
  8. Even the “nutrition” info at the bottom of the panel is colored green.

And then, moving to the back of the box…

9. There’s a “haunted Guppy” game printed on the panel, with:

10. a bunch of bats

11. a spider’s web maze, complete with spider.

12. a skull and crossbones on the mainsail

13. Kids dressed up in Halloween costumes

14. a coffin

15. a tombstone

16. And the Cap’n is now wearing a vampire’s cape.

So, overall, this packaging oozes Halloween spirit. I would be a chump to give it anything less than 3 points.

2. Appearance of the Treat. It starts out looking like Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries.

The only difference is that the Crunchberries are supposedly shaped like ghosts. (I’m not so sure they’ve succeeded in that regard, though. When I was in 2nd grade Leslie Martin got in trouble for drawing the same shape on the bathroom wall.) Anyway, it’s notable that these Crunch-phalli are a pink color, and yet they’re supposed to be what turns the milk green. Let’s see how they, ahem, perform, as it were.

As soon as the milk his the ghosts, they began to emit a greenish dye. It’s impressive, if a bit disturbing, to watch green fluid shooting out of your breakfast cereal. But the ghosts definitely did their job. Once you finish the cereal, you’re left with what looks like a bowl of the toxic waste into which the Joker fell in Tim Burton’s first Batman movie.

So, while I’m not sure I’d call the result appetizing, it does do a Halloween trick, as promised. And for that I’ll give it 3 points.

3. Taste. There are two kinds of people in this world: There are those who enjoy Cap’n Crunch, and then there are those who don’t especially like having the roof of their mouth lacerated with abrasive breakfast cereal. If you’re in the former group, you like the taste of sweet (almost syrupy) oats. In which case you’re in luck, because the Halloween version of Cap’n Crunch tastes no different that regular Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries. In my opinion, though, the folks at Quaker Oats missed an opportunity to infuse it with a flavor related to the green color: mint, for example. There’s nothing special about the taste of this Halloween edition, so I can only award 1 point.

4. Value. This box is “family size!” (exclamation point original). You get 22.8 ounces (isn’t that a nice round number?) for $3.79. That works out to 16.6 cents per ounce. Compare that to Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries, which is available in “giant size!” (26 ounces) for $3.64, or 14 cents per ounce. So you’re paying a premium for the green dye. And yet it’s still cheaper than Frankeberry (20 cents per ounce). So let’s say Halloween Crunch gets 2 points for value.

Steve’s Sweetoberfest Score: 9 out of 12 points, making it a solid TREAT. With the addition of ghosts to his cereal, the Cap’n is keepin’ it (incorpo)real.